Posted on January 10, 2024

I was cleaning and organizing my office the other day, getting ready to experience what I hope to be a productive and prosperous new year when I ran across a letter I wrote to my dad months after he died. 

My father died suddenly, unexpectedly 16 years ago of a massive heart attack we didn’t see coming. If you’ve ever lost someone suddenly and seemingly without warning, I’m sure you know how jarring and painful it is. To part with someone without a goodbye, knowing you’re not going to see them again (not on earth, anyway), is almost as devastating as the loss itself. There were things I needed and wanted to say to my dad, and writing that letter was my way to do it. Would he ever receive it? Of course not, but something about writing it made him feel very much present and alive. I even remember carrying it around in my wallet to keep him close. And it was therapeutic, helping me to move to a place of acceptance.

Whether your loved one left here suddenly, like my dad, or you expected their passing, writing a letter to that person is just one healthy way to manage your grief, get some closure, and stay connected to your loved one. Here are a few more:

Attend a consolation support group meeting—when you’re ready. Consolation support provides a safe space to share where you are and express your feelings without judgment or fear that people are sick of hearing it or need you to hurry up and get over it. The Apostolic Church of God’s Consolation Support Group meets every third Saturday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. The group also offers support every day throughout the day. Call (773)256.4212 or e-mail a[email protected] for immediate help.

Incorporate something of theirs into your common wear or routine. After my sister died, I kept a few of her things, like a pair of earrings and a shirt, to keep her close. Whenever I wear my “Phyllis” earrings or shirt, I feel like I’m bringing her with me. I also got to wear a pair of her shoes the day I got married; she couldn't stand with me that day, but she certainly walked down the aisle with me. And I still have the last winter coat my dad wore. I wear it during winter when I take out the garbage.

Continue to celebrate their lives long after the funeral. A young woman from my old neighborhood died suddenly just days after her 36th birthday. As a tight-knit neighborhood, her closest friends were devastated by her loss. I can still see the tear-streaked faces of many of her 30-something-year-old peers trying to process how that could happen to her. For many years afterward, they would come together to celebrate her life with a cookout and balloon release on her birthday. While they no longer do big cookouts, nearly 14 years later, not one birthday goes by where her memory is not honored.

Until next time...